The GeeksverseThe Television is making a rhythmic noise.

The Television is making a rhythmic noise.
Published on Friday, December 31, 2010 by

I just found out what Ke$ha is. I don’t like it. This noise is what it sounds like when a benevolent god dies in a trash can next to an 8-track player covered in gravy.

I’m no music expert. I’ll accept that. However, I am a person with a wad of cash in my pocket. I pay the damned store, that pays the record companies, that pays the musician based on the sales that start with a wad of cash in my pocket. Therefore, Ke$ha is my bitch in a small way.

I’m not just picking on Ke$ha here. I’m not that kind of a jerk. I think it may be similar to the retarded kid who thinks he can sing I’m a Litte Teapot at the school talent show- we shut the hell up, let him do it, and stifle the laughter and give the ‘tard a big round of applause and thank God this obnoxious bellowing has come to a grinding halt. Ke$ha can’t help it. She’s f*cking retarded. It’s not like being left-handed where she actively made a choice to be a weirdo heathen with no soul. Her mom smoked meth when she was 50 and pregnant or something… whatever it is that makes you have a ‘tard. I’m not a doctor, I just pretended to be an OB/GYN until the police made me stop.

It’s not just her. It’s a whole slew of autotuned, mindless, talentless hacks. And I won’t go as far as to say these idiots are ruining music. Music is like a cheap prostitute- you can’t ruin her or do any real damage, you just learn from before and go for something different or newer next time.

I take a look at an artist like Pink- for a shining example of what influences young women to be stupid as f*ck, look no further than her last album. The general flow of the album is “I wanna get drunk and party!”, “let’s fight bitches!”, and “Why did my man leave me?”. I won’t deny that the album ties together in a logical way. It also points out the obvious: This bitch is an idiot. Pink used to be an R&B artist or something, but some time around 2002 she started whining about daddy not loving her enough (the guy that tolerated her idiotic beatboxing and rapping when she was a child and help her get signed). Ungrateful little gash.

Kid Rock… every time I see or hear this character, I feel the need to brush my teeth and take a bath. I’ve actually heard you can get a disease from making eye contact with him. Kid Rock’s debut was marked with booing and laughter, but it wasn’t his fault- if you can mark our advances in music by how f*cking retarded the general population is, he just came to early and need everyone to catch up with him. I’m pretty sure he drinks a bottle of goat piss every day. Kid Rock argues the fact that if you simply act like being a piece of dirty trash is cool, it will be. No, it isn’t. It won’t be. Ever. Please stop and overdose on something now.

Every few years, a lucky virgin girl is taken from her home on her 13th birthday and thrown into the maw of the immortal Whore of Babylon. The whore then rises from its slumber and makes an album. It calls itself Madonna, and spends it time trying to be the sluttiest senior citizen that doesn’t have Quicktime videos on fetish sites (unconfirmed). Madonna creates some droning noise, records it, sells it, and then has sex with someone abstractly important and dresses like a tween until the Knights Templar cast her into the Pit of Woe for a short period of time. It is speculated that her kisses transferred the gift of lechery to Christina Aguilera and the gift of stupid to Britney Spears. This ensures that when the Valkyries destroy her at Ragnarok, her component souls have split into two entities and she can further poison our world.

When you were in high school, there were douchebags. You remember them. One day while these douchebags were in the locker room slapping each other on the penis, they said it would be cool to have a band like Creed. Different songs, but just as douchey. These guys made the band Puddle of Nickels. Puddle of Nickels can be considered “rock” in the same way that forced sodomy can be considered a relationship. It’s less “rock” and more “soggy dirt clod that might be a turd”.

I have no idea where I am headed with this. Maybe my article is as pointless as this music I am ragging on.

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